Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
