I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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