the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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