you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
