i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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