No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
