4 words: hood of his car
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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