Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There are leaves in my underwear?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
