i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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