I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
