I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
