Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
