I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize