She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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