just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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