Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
