I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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