Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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