And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
