when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
