I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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