I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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