you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
