Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
