Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My vagina is officially offended.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
