So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
