hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
