TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
