Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
