She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
