He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
