Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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