could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Randomize
