Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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