I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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