you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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