How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize