I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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