I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am available for nakedness
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
