i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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