Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My life is pants optional.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
