Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize