Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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