Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
