Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
