What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
