dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
