Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
pop tarts are not kleenex
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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