He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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