I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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