finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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