just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
