To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
