Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
the raccoons are back...
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