Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
