Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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