I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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