I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
