Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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