Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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