I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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